Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I admit it...I am a mental case indeed!

Why do I want to compete? What is driving me toward the insanity of the stage? Do I really want to compete or it a means to an end in regards to my fitness goal? What is my fitness goal....I mean overall fitness goal?

Well, my overall goal is to be in the best shape of my life and maintain a healthy and shapely physique. I want to be strong and healthy and attractive. I usually do not have a problem attaining a goal but MAINTAINING what I have attained is indeed an issue for me. In regards to my weight, I am a yo-yo dieter. I lose weight then gain weight then lose it again then gain it back. I usually gain my weight over the holidays and then when the first of the year rolls around I start my diet and get in shape just in time for summer. Then I relax things a bit and start to gain a little weight around Septemberish. Then it is all bad from Halloween through Christmas.

This year I made a commitment not to yoyo diet again. This is a huge commitment for me and to be honest, a commitment that I feel may be a challenge for me. So to help me stay on track I decided that if I compete...especially during the holiday season, I will meet my goal...at least this year. So, that is why I want to compete....so that I stay on track over the holidays with my eating. How pathetic! So I need a contest to stay on a diet. Yep pathetic. Where's my discipline? Where is my control?

Do I want to prance around a stage almost naked showing my body for a group of people to judge my physique and compare me to other women? Nope....but I want to stay thin. Do I want to learn all the poses and learn to walk in high heel shoes??? Nope. Do I want to hire a coach to help me get my body in contest shape? Nope. Do I want to spend $800 dollars on a freakin posing suit? HECK NO!!!

Do I want to train like an animal and eat chicken breast and green beans for weeks? Well...yep I can do that without complaint. Do I want to look like a figure competitor....heck yeah! Do I like to be challenged? Oh yeah! Do I like trophies on my table...yep.

Hmmm.....so do I want to compete? Yes and no. I want the challenge, I want to place well, I want to shape my body. I want to train like an animal. What I really don't want is the emotional drama I will put myself in. When I want something I go hard sacrificing things around me to attain that goal. I am an extremist. To give you an example of my extreme nature...when I was going back to school for my Masters program, if I did not achieve a 100% on my paper or test I would wig out. I missed only 4 points in my entire Master's program and I argued with the professor in the class that I missed the points and got 3 of the points back. So, I missed 1 point in the entire Masters program. How did I do that? I poured all my energy into school and sacrificed everything else around me. I did enough to get by at work, my kids ate McDonalds and subway every night. I stopped going to church. My house was a mess, my hubby never got any and I gained 20 pounds. There was no balance in my life...and for what??? To say I got a perfect score in my Masters program??? How ridiculous.

Then there was the bb.com $100,000 challenge. I did the same thing. The last 6 weeks of the contest I became insane. I ate nothing but chicken and green beans, I did too much cardio, my plants suffered because I did not water them like I should, I did just enough to get by at work and for what? I did not place in the contest, I was moody and unpleasant to be around. I lacked balance big time! I don't have a clue how to have balance because I am an extremist.

So, I need to learn how to be balanced. That does not come natural to me. How do I become balanced? I don't know. But I need to figure this out. One thing I do is inadvertently continue to add stress in my life. I have a hard time saying no to people. I have a tendency to over commit. I will do things that I don't want to do to keep the peace or prevent hurting feelings at the expense of my own feelings. Then I begin to resent people then beat myself up for resenting people knowing that I am the cause of my own problem.

But ah.....at least I know this.....I am a mental case...lol.....a highly functioning mental case. That is a step in the right direction, eh?

So, as of today I am still planning to compete as I search to find balance in my life. I did the unthinkable a few days ago. In my quest for balance I grabbed a garbage bag and went through my house and got rid of all my high maintenance plants.....about 40 indoor plants. If they required alot of attention, out they went. I know....extreme. I could have given them away, but I didn't. And you know what......when I came home today I did not have the added stress of having to water 40 or so high maintenance plants. People who know me would think....has she lost her mind? She loves her plants.

Also in my quest for balance I started reading my bible and praying more. I need God's help to help me find balance spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I can't do it on my own.

Well....that's all I have for today.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

No comments:

Post a Comment