Dark Girls.....

I stumbled across a video trailer about a documentary titled "Dark Girls." The title caught my eye because I am a "dark girl" in the eyes of many people as well as my own eyes. I clicked on the video and was glued to my seat. As I watched, I became emotional as I identified with some of the experiences of the ladies in the film. And then I got defensive as I watched the film a second time.

This film is about the negative experiences of several dark skinned black women. It talked about several different experiences that ranged from a dark skinned girl wanting to bleach her skin white to the experiences of our own black sisters and brothers prejudices against the different shades of brown within our culture.

I grew up in a small town for most of my formative years. I went to a majority white school as a young girl where I experienced some racial incidences but not a lot. I remember feeling somewhat self-conscious about my hair because it was frequently the topic of conversation with the little white girls in my class, but never once wished that I was white or lighter in color. I experience more of the black on black prejudices when my family moved to the city my sophomore year of HS.

I did experience some of the brothers preferring white girls or light skinned black girls, but in my mind that was just the preference of a few stupid, ignorant black dudes that I could care less about anyway. There were other black guys that liked dark skinned girls too. I guess for me, I experienced both sides of the issue, but I always gravitated towards the positive side (that there were just as many brothers interested in dark skinned sisters)....my glass is never half empty, it is always half full. I attribute my positive outlook to my mom, who always told me that I was beautiful....even though I did not feel beautiful through much of my school years. But I never considered I was ugly because of my dark skin. Yes, I did see myself as unattractive....but not because of my skin color. My mom would always tell me that I am so lucky to be dark skinned because when we get old, we don't wrinkle. Lighter skinned people wrinkled as they aged. So. with that said, I was happy to be dark....lol.

So....I asked myself, does this film reflect the current trends of our dark skinned youths growing up today? In my mind, this kind of thing does not happen in the homes of confident black women (like me). No way....we strong black women send off enough confidence to override the negative influences and opinions of the ignorant. Yes, the black on black prejudices are indeed there, but not in my family.

So I did my own experiment and asked a 15 year old dark skinned BEAUTIFUL girl this question.....If you could lighten your skin color would you do it? With an immediate response, this beautiful teen replied yes I would. I followed with another question...Why would you want to change your skin color? And she responded, because it is more attractive And then she asked me what sparked my interest in this subject?

I was stunned......... She was so matter-of-fact about it.....almost like she expected all dark skinned girls to feel that way.

I shared this information with my oldest daughter to see what she thought. I asked her because her fiancé is a handsome dark-skinned dude and she is excited about the upcoming birth of her son. She said, I would love to have a dark skinned son like his dad. Her daughter is lighter in color....but that does not matter in MY family.

She told me about the story of a 7 year old beautiful dark skinned girl whom is part of our family that frequently asks Kathy if she thinks she is pretty because she does not think she is because she is dark skinned.

I am devastated......... is this such a deeply enculturated issue that it occurs in families such as mine?

It is 2am as I write this. I can't sleep........

This cannot be.....not in my family..........

My self talk.....
What do I see in the mirror every day? I see a beautiful confident black woman. How do others view me....and I answer....others see me as a beautiful black woman and the few ignoranious people of the world that don't can go to hell. Why am I so confident? I had many of the same experiences of the women in the film, but those negative experiences did not scar my self esteem into adulthood. Why? Maybe it was the positive affirmations of my mom. Maybe it was the fact that all my siblings were dark like me. Maybe it is because I love myself. Maybe, maybe, maybe.......

Below is the video that caught my attention

There are TONS of beautiful dark skinned women around. Can't these girls see it?
Shades of brown......there's no "prettier" shade!! One of the most exciting times in my life was being pregnant and anticipating the beauty of my baby. Will she be dark like me....I hope so. Will he be light skinned....I hope so, Will she be something in-between...I hope so. IT DID NOT AND DOES NOT MATTER!!!

Once this video came up, a ton of videos just like it came up. I watched.... stunned. Where have I been? I guess in my own self-confident world!!!!!

Look at the beautiful black girls in this video......How can one deny the beauty of these women?? And if you can't see beauty in these women...then you are blind in my opinion!

God help us!!!!!
How can I make a difference....

But this is not just a black on black phenomenon. It happens with all people. Thank you Amy Preble for reminding me of this.... (She is my best friend at work girl).  Prejudice with obesity. Does it exist across color lines? Yes it does!!!! Have a kid choose "the lazy person"  out of a line of people of various sizes and I bet most kids would choose the fat person. As disheartening as it is....it happens. It is in our society. How many obese people do you see anchoring on Fox News? None....How many covers of magazines are graced by beautiful obese women/men. Very few. It is in the culture.

We have the power to stop this and it is simple.....

Treat all people with dignity and respect! ALL PEOPLE!!!!!!! Love your neighbor!!!!!!!!!!! Love yourself!!!!!!!

HOLD YOUR HEAD UP!!!!! LOVE YOURSELF!!!!!! My mom taught me that, and I would like to think I have instilled that in my own children. But, we can only do so much when a society does not support, love all people and love yourself. God help us!

Hater Day......

I'm a do some good for my hater today
I'm a do some good for my hater today
Lord help me with tomorrow........

I don't want to be fake today
So all my haters gonna have to take a hater break today
I'm a bake a hater cake today
Buy em a shake today
Get em a t-bone steak today
We gone go and play sum ball today
And I'm a make sure that I don't ball hog today
Take ya to the mall today
Doing it all today
We gone ball till we fall today
I'm a share my world today
And I'm a introduce you to my family today
And share my God today
And how he made a way
And how he made my troubles fade away
This is hater day
And instead of wishing that all of my haters laid away
I'm a be like a teacher
I'm a give a "A" today
And take the other failing grade away

I'm a pay my hater's bill today
And I'm a be sincere and ask em how they feel today
May even cut their grass today
Take out their trash today
Or even leave em sum cash today
I will say something nice today
I'm a hold my tongue and stay outta them fights today
Give them the right of way
Cause it's hater day
I'm a pay my hater's way
Maybe hard today
But I'm a absolutely show the love of god today
Help em get a job today
And if they have to walk give them a ride in my car today
I'm a have my hater's back today
And I'm a keep it real, and won't put em on act today
As a matter of fact, I'm a help you win today
The mess ends today, I'm a make you my friend today

See right now, I want vengeance on all my enemies Let's keep it real
But it's really not about the way that I feel
See I don't wanna do my will, but the will of Christ
So even when you do me wrong, I'm a still do you right

Lord I'm gone try (Lord help me with tomorrow)
Not to punch this dude/girl in the eye (Lord help me with tomorrow)
Father give me strength( Lord help me with tomorrow)
Cause tomorrow I don't wanna slip (Lord help me with tomorrow)
I don't want flesh to get in the way (Lord help me with tomorrow)
Lord help me for tomorrow (Lord help me with tomorrow)
Lord help me for tomorrow (Lord help me with tomorrow)
Flesh make you wanna do thangs

I love this song by Canton Jones.

I try to live this song everyday. There was a time when I was very hurt over something that occurred on my job. Instead of lashing out, I went to my car and put this song on and cried for a few minutes...ended up playing this song 3 times before I started to want to live it. You see, I had to walk back into work with my head high, smile on my face and forgiveness in my heart.

Then there was the time when a person shared some hurtful gossip that involved me. My question in my mind at the time that this person shared this gossip with me was....why did you feel the need to share this information with me? What was your intent behind sharing this hurtful gossip. Some things are better left unsaid. But no.....people love drama. Forgive them Annette.

Then there are the people that love to judge everything I do and can't wait for me to make a mistake and then they smile in my face like they are my friends. Don't ya know that I know you are not my friend? The negative energy that fake people emit is seering and felt deep as they smile in my face. I know.... Love that person today Annette.

And then there are the jealous people....who hate ya because they hate themselves. I know who you are.... God help them because I can't.

It has taken many years for me to get to the point where I just hold my peace.....most of the time (I am not perfect).

Training....Going GREAT!!

Diet....GOOD....not great :)

Attitude Mode

Today I have an I don't care what you think of me attitude. Well, I feel like that more often than not, but some days I am really bad. Maybe it is my hormones....yep blame it on the peri-menopause. Ya know, people are constantly judging me and judging you...every minute.

People need to live by this motto
& not worry about what I do!

It is human nature I guess. We all have this preconceived notion about how people should look and act and think. I hate that. I don't want to judge people....but I do. I am working really hard to stop judging because it does me or anybody else no good.

I was at the store today and a person who knows I train came up to me with a great big grin on her face. She came to me really excited. She said, guess what....I bought a membership to Brett's gym (a gym that I attend) and I left work and went to the gym and exercised 2 hours! I instantly judged this beautiful girl. The first thing I thought as I smiled encouragingly toward her was...."TWO HOURS!! WHAT THE HECK DID YOU DO FOR 2 HOURS IN THE GYM." I was smiling in her face and thinking she had no clue at the same time. I HATE PHONY PEOPLE....you know, the ones that smile in your face and think negative thoughts about you at the same time. I hate myself.....cuz I do that. But I am trying really hard to break that nasty trait.

Maybe this girl spent 2 hours in the gym learning the new equipment. Maybe someone told her that she needed to spend 2 hours to lose 10 pounds in a week...tons of misinformation out there. Maybe she just loved the atmosphere and was enjoying every bit of the experience. I don't know her story to judge her. But what I did see is that she was proud to be in a gym and that is awesome.

My coach's material has greatly helped me to recognize why I sometimes think the way I do or act the way I do. I am learning about some of the positive aspects of my self-talk as well as some of the destructive aspects of my self-talk (thoughts). He recently posted a blog that I liked, but actually caused me to dig around and find a blog that he wrote that I liked better.

Here are 2 of the blogs that I think about often ....(they are long, but worth reading)

Getting Real About Getting Real Part 1

Getting Real About Getting Real Part 2

So when I find myself wandering off of the straight and narrow (less traveled) path, I seek wisdom in material like Scott's stuff or books.

On another forum (bodybuildingrevealed.com), one of my favorite moderators is named Markus. I read his stuff all the time as well as he answers questions that people have on diet and training. It is a private forum for members only, but an invaluable resource to have. Like Scott,  Markus has the mental aspects of the game down. I have learned a ton from him....best moderator on the web.

Training is on point, diet ok...but not perfect. I am trying to be on point 6/7 days....leaving 1 day to eat what I want. I think I can lose the weight I need to fit my new clothes the way I want having 1 cheat day. I need to limit my cheat day to moderation...not a binge. I have a problem doing that...I must admit.

Yesterday, we had a small baby shower for my daughter who is having baby #2. Her first baby is not even a year yet...feels like we just had her first baby shower.

Sexy.....not!!!!

Today was a long day. I did not get much sleep last night, which is not unusual. I am starting to go through "the menopause stage". At 47 years of age my hormones are all over the place.

Training has been on the spot this week and I can feel my efforts in all the muscles I have worked thus far. No training tonite. I am going to head to the gym and do the stair master for a bit.

My diet has been almost there...not perfect. Last night I did not get all my calories in. I was sick to my stomach for a little while and I just could not bring myself to eat my last meal of rice and lentils.

The picture posted is my rendition of trying to be sexy...haha.  For folks that know me, sexy is not me. The minute I open my mouth and smile, all the sexy goes away and a crooked,  thin lip, gummy smile takes over my face.

My sister is the "sexy" one. When we were growing up, my sis had the voice, wore the heels, and had the look. My mom used to tenderly tell me...Annette, you are so cute. LOL....cute is ok.

So, I am on track to fit in all the new clothes that I bought for my new job the way I want to fit in them. I bought all small clothes and a lot of the tops are kind of fitted. I cannot be having any over the bra back fat or the muffin top thing going on. I have some back fat that I am not happy with. Luckily, I tend to lean out relatively fast if I act right with the nutrition part of the plan. Coaches workout guarantees a leaner me if I work it and eat on plan. His training is a killer for sure.

Well, it is time to train.

Cheers

All over the place blog

So I woke up this morning feeling slim. Haha 2 days ago I woke up feeling fat. I look the same today as I did on Fat Monday, but my head is in a different place today.

I got out of bed about 5am and decided to make me a cup of hot cider instead of coffee in my keurig machine. It is low calorie and I don't drink it much because I think it makes me break out. My body HATES the sugar substitutes and I get zits like a teenager if I partake in too many diet drinks.

Ummm listen to your body Annette....you should really throw that crap away....but I don't for occasions such as this. I wanted the stupid diet cider and it was sooo good. Actually I wanted more, but I controlled myself. Another thing about the splenda crap is that the more I drink diet stuff or chew sugarless gum, the hungrier I get....so I need to keep it at a minimum.

Now I am blogging on my lunch break as a distraction. I just had my lunch and I am freakin still starvin marvin. Crap....hold on, let me go get a cup of coffee...that might help. I will be right back.

Back!! Hot coffee in hand...I love the look, taste, smell, and feel of a hot cup of black coffee. It completes me :)

So where was I at....first paragraph....oh yeah.... discussing my morning. OK...so I drank my cider as I picked up my iPad to check on a game I was playing before I went to bed .....words with friends. I am good at this game, however there is this dude...a teacher at the high school...Mr. Craft, who consistently beats me by just a couple of points. It was music to my ears when I heard that little end of the game sound with the written words YOU WON!!!! By 1 freaking point....but I won. I told myself yesterday that I was going to win this game and I did.....woohoo. Finally. Hoorah....YEAH. (I know...I can be just a little competitive, but you just don't understand....this dude is good). Mr. Craft has won 2/6 games and all of the games have been super close except for one where he beat the living crap out of me...over 100 point lead. I digressed yet again.

Around 6am I headed off to the gym....wore the same yoga pants that I wore yesterday without washing them. YUK!! I am such a scuz! On my way to the gym I was hoping and praying that the dude that was there yesterday was not there today because he may think....she had those same pants on yesterday. EEEW. In all actuality, he probably did not even notice what I was wearing, but before I digress yet again, suffice it to say that the same dude was there lol with his BLARING music.

I sooooo wanted to have the gym to myself lifting to the sounds of Rush, Kool Mo Dee, Tyga, Phil Collins, Canton Jones, E-40, and Eminem.  My music is all over the place....one song would be Faded or Rack City or Motto, and then the next would be christian music, followed by eminem. Like me, my music is all over the place. I like all kinds of music for the most part. People usually don't mind when they come in and my music is playing (whoever is there first get dibs on the music box). I have something for everybody...from the hard rockers to the R & B folks... the rapper lovers, and christian music...no country though. I can't workout well to country music...but most of the gymers like that hard rock stuff. So I like to be first to get the dibs on the sound system. I digressed again.

I worked my chest and arms this morning. I struggled with the workout. I was weak...I mean really weak. What the heck???. I am doing a routine that coach gave me and it is tough. Some days I breeze right through it, others I struggle. What's up with that!! Today was a struggle. I did a set of bench presses immediately followed by pushups. I do several sets of that combination and it is a killer. I knew I was toast after the first set. CRAP. I trained hard and made it through the entire training in 50 minutes.

Then I went home and had some oats and almonds. Then out of the blue, I decided that I needed to color my hair. Mind you, I needed to be to work in an hour and inbetween that, I had to take my daughter to school. So, I put the color in my hair, let it sit 30 minutes, drove my daughter to school, came back, took a shower, put my hair in a ponytail, put some makeup on, donned my scrubs and I was at the hospital within an hour.....lol.

Me and Amy

No meetings today!! I don't know how to act. I have plenty to do.....paralyzed actually.

Here I am with my best friend at work....Amy. She is the director of the ED and Dialysis. We have worked together for 19 years and I am going to SORELY miss her when I leave in April!!

K...home now. Before I left work, my temporary crown fell out of my mouth. This is the third time this dang thing fell out. The first time I went to the dentist on my lunch break and had it replaced. The second time I decided to head to the pharmacy and get some denture adhesive and that lasted a week. Now it is out again. I guess I will find the denture stuff. I can't remember what I did with it.....grrr.

Could not find the denture cream so back to the store I go....

I found this stuff to repair loose caps. Gonna give that a try. My appointment for my crown is Friday. It just needs to last me a few more days.

It is in.....I will eat my almonds on the other side of my teeth lol.

I am all over the place with this blog. It is time to close it out. Blogging is good. It keeps me focused on my training and diet.....omg, here I go again..with more writing when I said I needed to close this blog out....time to go.

Today is a good day...

I am going to rock this dress in a few months!!

Yesterday my daughter and I went to the bridal store to look at bridesmaid dresses. I fell in love with the dress in the picture and bought it. It will be my mother of the bride dress. I think it will look great on in a few months. Now I have yet another reason to to lose the weight and keep it off. The wedding is August 4, 2012.

It was refreshing to see all the smiling faces of the brides to be trying on wedding dresses. I enjoyed the uplifted atmosphere. The energy was high and it felt good just to be around all the excitement.

That was the beginning of my Sunday afternoon. I was at the bridal store from 12p-1:30p. Then it was off to my moms. She wanted to use our truck to haul 2 65 gallon rain catcher thingy's to put in her yard. So, hubby and I rushed over to pick up the rain catchers and take them to my moms.  Then at 2pm,  we celebrated Christmas in March with my children's grandparents. We had a great time!! Missed my son, who is working in California right now and my youngest daughter who is always busy with sports...had softball obligations. I wish they could have been with us.

I miss my son! I wish Erica could have been at the party!

But the party goes on

My beautiful daughter Kathy with her daughter Karmen opening Christmas gifts with grandma/pa

Hubby playing words with friends at the party...lol

32 Weeks Pregnant with my Grandson

My grandkids playing

My girls and their dad's girlfriend smashing

My handsome grandson and cutie pie Mya...My ex's girlfriends beautiful daughter.  She fits in perfectly with the beautiful grands!!!

Bob and I left the party to go back to my moms to put her rain catcher things together. My daughters were planning to drop by to see my mom...the other grandma....while we were over there. We got to my moms around 5:45pm and started working. Around 6:30 both my daughters came by and let me know that I would need to babysit because Kathy was contracting and needed to go to the hospital. (She went into pre-term labor last week and is on medication to stop the labor....she is only 34 weeks). So off they went leaving me to watch the grands...lol. There goes my training for the evening!!

Around 10pm both my daughters returned. Thank goodness she was not in active labor this time. She did not have any cervical changes

Baby sitting and enjoying some time not chasing them down

I LOVE BEING A GRANDMA!!!!!!

Reflections on my training and diet today....

1. I ask myself, why am I so strong some days and weak other days
• Today I am strong...I am going to run with it
2. Water.....I need it
• I am going to drink 96 ounces today
• That will be hard but I will do it anyway
3. I am fooling myself when I tell myself that I can stay on track all by myself. 
• Pride is an ugly emotion
• I need the help of a greater power
4. Training...To love and hate to train at the same time
• People who love to train make me sick...I am looking forward to a time when I don't feel this way
• I love the way training makes me feel...after it is done

Reflections on my emotions

1. I look ugly today
• Love myself
• Smile
• Put on my makeup
• Hair just right
• Put my lotion on
• Shoulders back, head up, be beautiful
2. I feel fat today
• I need to stop being dramatic....I am not fat
3. I am blessed
• I know I am blessed indeed
4. Today is going to be a good day
• My attitude determines my lattitude. I am going to soar today

Things I am thankful for today

1. I am thankful for my family
• Thank you God
2. I am thankful for my job
• Thank you God
3. I am thankful for being thankful
• Yup.....
4. I am thankful for spiritual awakenings
• So thankful. I am growing everyday

Just read some comments on my last blog from some friends on Fatlossrevealed.com and bodybuildingrevealed.com.... I love you guys/gals!!!!!! Thank you 

Today is a good day......

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Woohoo....finally time to blog!!

Wow...the last time I posted a blog was February 8th of this year. A lot has happened since my last blog lol. First thing first, let me talk about my training and diet. Well, to be honest my training and diet has taken a turn to the south. My training has been hit and miss and my diet has been on and off. In the past 6 weeks I put on 6 pounds and I look like crap in my opinion.

I was suppose to take pictures March 28th with my improved body. I cancelled that appointment 5 weeks ago and my diet and training has been up and down since then. If there is anything good to say about my training and diet the past 6 weeks, it would be this....it could have been worse.

Just call me chunk chunk

I took this picture this morning prior to my shopping spree. Yuck.... chunky, chunk, chunk. Thicky, thick, thick me. LOL.....oh well.

On to the excuses why I am a chunkier...... lmao

I have had a lot of personal things happen in the past 6 weeks that has put me on an emotional roller coaster. I typically deal with stress pretty good....just roll with the punches and just keep at it. But this particular time I just had too much on my plate to roll with the punches. I made conscious choice to ditch the diet and training (to a point) and focus on some important matters at hand.

One big stressor behind me is my decision to make a huge move from the comfort of my job as a director of a nursing units to the world of informatics. I struggled greatly with this decision to move because I was happy with my job as a nursing director and I was comfortable with my job...even with the occasional stress involved in running a nursing department. I have been at my place of employment almost 20 years and I have experienced much growth and happiness at my job. But.....there is always a but.....

I needed something new to challenge me. I don't like to be "comfortable". So, I am taking a huge leap into unfamiliar territory. I am super duper excited about this career change too. I get to start over and make a difference  in a new job as a Clinical Nurse Analyst II (a computer geek). I feel that this job will fit me like a glove. I will get to do many things that I love to do such as teaching. I will be working with clinicians and training them how to use the various applications within the electronic record. I will be learning all the applications....16 programs I believe and will assist in training with these programs. Also, I will be a support person for clinicians when something is not working right within the application or when they can't figure out where to chart a certain element. I will be training clinicians within the ProMedica Health System....11 hospitals.

So, with the new job, I needed new clothes so I went out and bought a lot of nice clothes. I splurged because I don't like to wear the same thing over and over. Even when I wore scrubs (I have 27 pairs of navy blue scrubs)...that's a lot lol and that is not even including my jackets; I never wore the same pair more than once every 3-4 weeks.  So, I suppose I will have a lot of dress clothes now.  I bought all my clothes in small...which will make me stay between 130-140 pounds. I am now 143 pounds and although the clothes fit me, I have a little bit of flab peaking through. So now I am motivated to get back on track and lose about 10 pounds before I start my job (April 22, 2012). I will have the excess pounds off this body....promise. I want to look my best when I start.

OMG.......

So....the diet starts on Monday and I will have to stay true on the diet without any cheating. I won't miss any training sessions either. After 2 weeks of staying on the diet, I will email my coach with my progress report. (I have not emailed my coach for over a month because I have not been consistent, and why waste his time reading and commenting on what I am not doing). When I get down to 128 pounds, I will add 1 cheat day a week to my diet.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Now......after all of that....let's be real.........

Here it goes......

I gained the fat and look like a chunky, chunk, chunk because I did not follow the plan...and I COULD HAVE FOLLOWED THE DIET AND TRAINING PLAN, but I chose to be weak and not follow the plan because I was a little stressed!!!!!!!! Waa, Waa, Waa....what the hell ever Annette!!!!!Excuses get you nowhere. Stop with the lame ass excuses and get with the plan and fit into all those small clothes you bought. Stop being a VICTIM Annette!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Enough about that.....now the good stuff

My grandson turned 2 March 5th. We had a fun birthday party for him at this super cool kids place in Michigan.

Mommy and Cam

Karmen was in a bad mood at the party